YE STANDARD LEGAL
DISCLAIMERS:
1. I do not own any of the
characters of Ranma 1/2. Ramiko
Takahashi does.
2. I do not own any of the
characters of Star Wars. Lucasfilm LTD
does.
3. I do not own any of the
characters of Tenchi Muyo. AIC and Pioneer
does.
4. I do not own any of the
other characters or products that I might have mentioned in this fanfic.
5. I do, however, own the
name Shaitze and his personality, but not the name Ayanami. Any attempt to replicate him will make me
very unhappy.
6. All the characters
listed in this fanfic are fictional. Unfortunately.
7. I do have permission
from DB Sommers to use certain ideas that he has come up with.
Ranma 1/2 Presents:
Shaitze 1/2
Chapter 3
“Over the Mallet and
Through the Portal to Masaki’s House We Go!”
“This is Japanese”
“{These are people’s
thoughts}”
~This is Panda sign
language~
“<This is Chinese>”
“[This is English]”
*THESE ARE SOUND EFFECTS*
Author’s Note: The
continuity of this story is going to follow the OAV’s of Tenchi Muyo, as well
as Tenchi the Movie 2. For the most part. Just thought that I should warn you. Also, this fanfic was started before AIC
announced their third OAV series of Tenchi Muyo.
Ranma stared at the figure
on the back fence with a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. Kodachi’s laugh always had a tendency to make
Ranma want to lose his lunch, as well as the majority of anyone that ever met
the Black Rose.
“Could things get any
worse today?” Ranma muttered.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that she is the
last thing anyone really needs to see even on a good day.”
“That
bad, huh?”
“Yeah. I just hope
that she doesn’t try to give me anymore of her stupid black roses.”
Shaitze stared in shock at
Ranma. “Black roses?”
“Yup. And they’re
usually filled with some kind of knock out drug.”
Shaitze looked back at the
figure on the back fence. “So what you
are trying to tell me is that this chick is a psychopathic bitch that is in
love with you and has a flare for narcotics.
Am I wrong?” Ranma thought about
what Shaitze just said as Kodachi cackled once again on the back fence. “You know, that laugh of hers really needs to
go Ranma.”
Ranma finally spoke. “That’s one way of putting it.”
“I see. Is she paper-trained?”
Ranma smirked at Shaitze’s
comment. “Probably
not.”
Kodachi then sprang from
the back fence to the tree in front of Ranma’s room and spoke to Ranma’s
window. “Oh my beloved Ranma-Sama, to be
near the hollowed place where thou dost reside brings only ecstasy to my young,
pure heart. But tis such sorrow that
fills mine ever so true heart when I am forced to ponder that you are enslaved
to the disreputable others that also occupy this sacred ground. Oh Ranma-Sama, Ranma-Sama, where fore art
thou, Ranma-Sama?” With that, Kodachi
covered her eyes with her hand.
Shaitze arched an
eyebrow. “Ranma, is it me, or was that
whole speech off?”
Ranma had a glazed looked
on his questioning face. “How should I
know?”
Shaitze placed his hand on
his chin. “I suppose I could go ask
Connor MacLeod, since he was probably there when it was written.”
“Who?”
“Never
mind.” Shaitze tied his hair back into a pigtail.
“Ranma-Sama, why do you
talk to your fair self?” Kodachi finally
interrupted.
Shaitze closed his
eyes. “Source of all power, crimson fire
burning bright, into my hand, gathers your light.” A ball of light grew in Shaitze’s hand and
finally flew over everyone’s head and illuminated the entire area. “Could the reason be that there are two of
us?”
Kodachi stared in shock
and lost her balance in the tree. Ranma
and Shaitze watched as Kodachi impacted with the ground posterior first. They both ran down the stairs only to see
that Akane and the two fathers had beaten them there.
“We heard a disturbance,
isn’t that right Saotome?”
~Right you are Tendo.~
Ranma, Akane, and Shaitze
grew sweat-drops. “Those two could
really use some new lines.” Ranma muttered.
Shaitze walked past
everyone and went into the back yard to face Kodachi, and Akane followed a few
steps behind him. Both he and Akane
spotted Kodachi at the same time.
“OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! If it isn’t
the infamous Akane Tendo as I die with despair.”
“More like I’m going to
choke the life out of you, you...” Akane’s face began to twitch.
Shaitze turned to face
Akane. “You what? Finish your statement.”
“Yes. Let us see what comes out of the mouth of a
barbarous wretch with cooking skills
that makes the Divine Comedy sound like a pleasurable
experience.”
Everyone that was within
hearing distance, except for Akane and Kodachi, had only one statement to
utter. “Ouch.”
Akane’s eyes
narrowed. “You, you..dike!”
Shaitze leaned toward
Akane. “Um, Akane? You can’t say that word.”
Akane looked at Shaitze
with a questioning look. “Say what
word?”
“Dike. You can’t say
‘lesbian’ either. You have to say ‘woman
in comfortable shoes.”
“Oh,
yeah? Sez who?”
“The
writer of this fanfic and the International Internet Censor Board.”
“Enough talk!” Kodachi shouted. “I found that statement false and
insulting. I shall not let it pass. It is indeed true that the Black Rose does
attend an all girl school and that certain unorthodox activities do
transpire. But I, Kodachi Kuno, Black
Rose, do not participate in any such activities.”
“Dare I ask what
activities you do participate in?”
Shaitze muttered.
“Why my
darling Ranma-Sama! Would you truly like to join me in my
spiritual endeavors?”
“Enough you witch!” Akane yelled.
“I thought you wanted to fight?”
Kodachi began to twirl her
ribbon again. “OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Do you truly believe that a harridan like
yourself can battle and defeat a fair maiden like myself?”
Shaitze stepped in front
of Akane and stood in a defensive stance.
“Okay chickie-poo. Let’s kick
it.”
Kodachi watched Shaitze’s
movements, none of which were normal.
“You are not my beloved Ranma-Sama!
You are an impostor! What manner of demon art thou?”
“Demon? Me?” The rest of the Tendo household was now in
full view of what was now transpiring.
“Yes. You dare to take the form of my beloved
Ranma-Sama. Such a thing is not of this
world. I suspect that you must be from
the Pleasure Underworld.”
“Man, where’s ‘Tobin's
Spirit Guide’ when you need it?” Shaitze
muttered to himself.
“Being such, I shall
banish you back to your realm.” Kodachi
then pulled out a bouquet of black roses and flung them at Shaitze. Shaitze and Akane both dodged the bouquet,
but it landed in a grove of nearby rose bushes.
When the bouquet finally stopped, it unleashed a gas upon all the bushes
and caused the bushes to dry up and fall dead instantly.
Shaitze surveyed Kodachi’s
handiwork. “Oh my god, she killed the
roses!”
Everyone at the Tendo
Dojo, except Kodachi shouted, “YOU BASTARD!”
“Ayanami, that enchantment
really needs some help.” Nabiki chimed
in her usual cynic voice.
Kodachi’s eyes
narrowed. “I can see that your evil
powers are strong, and that you have already enslaved everyone present,
including my beloved Ranma-Sama.”
“The next thing she’ll
accuse me of possessing the Necronomicon Ex Mortus.” A ball of energy then started to glow in
Shaitze’s hand. Kodachi then jumped at
Shaitze and lashed out with her ribbon. “Damned Wind!” The
ball of energy turned into an enormous gust of wind that sent Kodachi flying to
the back fence and effectively knocking her out.
Shaitze frowned. “That was easy.”
Akane stood next to
Shaitze. “A little too
easy.” Shaitze and Akane then
examined Kodachi.
“Yup, she’s out. Ranma, go get me some rope. Will ya?”
Ranma was confused. “Okay.”
Ranma dashed into the house and came back less than thirty seconds later
with a 15-foot rope and handed it to Shaitze.
“Hey, what’re you going to do with that anyway?”
Shaitze slung Kodachi over
his shoulder. “I’ll show you when we get
there.”
“Just where is there?”
“The
park. I need you to show me where it is. M’kay?”
“That would be near the
Nekohanten.”
“Cool. Let’s go.”
Shaitze sprang over the back fence, followed closely by Ranma and
Akane. Akane herself doesn’t quite know
why she is going with Shaitze and Ranma, but she will probably think of a good
reason later. As the three of them
leave, the light above the Tendo Dojo fades back into a clear night sky. The rest of the Tendo Dojo residents adjourn
to the dining room table to discuss their new student.
Soun started. “So that’s what Master Yamagishi meant by
‘unique technique.’”
~Indeed Tendo. I don’t think that I’ve ever seen true magic
until now.~
“Why Mister Saotome,
you’ve never seen that popular card game before?” Sweat-drops the size of Donald Trump’s ego
began to surround the table. “It’s not
that hard to play either.”
“Kasumi
dear.”
“Yes Auntie Saotome?”
“My husband is referring
to the ancient, sometimes forbidden arts of power.”
“Oh. I’m sorry Auntie.”
“It’s quite all right
Kasumi.”
“Be that as it may,” Soun
finally said. “Shaitze’s power is not
something that we should take lightly.”
“Indeed you are correct.”
A low, respirated voice said. “Only the
Dark Side of the Force has more power.”
Everyone at the table turned and looked at the dark figure standing in
front of the pond.
Kasumi was the first to
recognize the dark figure. “Good evening
Lord Vader. Would you like some tea, or
perhaps some sake?” Everyone else that
was sitting at the table gave Kasumi a What-in-the-hell-are-you-doing look,
which Kasumi caught. “I’m sorry, I was
just being polite.”
“No, thank you. I will wait here.”
“Well, you’re going to be
there a while.” A rather peppy voice said that was off to Vader’s left.
“Who dares?” Vader’s
respirated voice said as he turned his head toward the voice. His glaze settled upon a short, red and spiked
headed girl, that was wearing a dark blue shirt, a pair of beige shorts, a pair
of yellow leggings, and an evil gleam in her green eyes. “You!” Vader
exclaimed as he pointed his right, index finger at the red head.
“My name is not you.” The red head placed her hands on her
hips. “I AM WASHU!” A spotlight turned on and
shown directly on Washu. “The greatest scientific genius of the universe!” Two miniature puppets that look like Washu
then appeared on her shoulders. The only
difference between the two is that the puppet on Washu’s right shoulder has the
letter ‘A’ written on its chest and one on Washu’s left shoulder has the letter
‘B’ written on its chest.
Mini-Washu A started its
proclamation. “Washu, you’re the
greatest!”
Mini-Washu B responded,
“Washu, you’re a genius!”
Confetti began to fly
around, as well as a few sweat-drops from the Tendo household, as the two
puppets finished their proclamation.
“Washu, Washu, you’re the one!
Hooray for Washu!” The puppets as
well as the spotlight then disappeared.
“What do you want here you
deranged, mad scientist?” Vader asked.
“Oh, I just want to do
this.” Washu simply walked up to Darth
Vader and pushed him into the pond that he was standing in front of. The result was an impromptu fireworks display
that fried the fish in the pond. Vader
remained motionless as the fish floated to the surface of the pond. “This will teach him for being Kagato’s
teacher!” Washu then summoned her
ethereal computer. After about ten
seconds of typing, a giant slingshot appeared above the pond, with Darth Vader
being used as the ammunition. “Fire
one!” Washu shouted as she pressed a button on her keyboard. The slingshot then launched Vader high into
the air and through a portal that opened seconds before Vader went through
it. The portal closed as Washu stood
triumphant.
“Oh my. That wasn’t a
very nice thing to do Miss Washu.”
“I must agree with Kasumi,
Miss Washu.” Nodoka added.
Washu simply smiled. “I wasn’t going for nice. And would you please call
me ‘Little’ Washu? I’d like
that.”
“Sure.” Was everyone’s
response from the table.
“Would you like some tea?”
“Affirmative.” Washu sat down
at the table while Kasumi headed for the kitchen.
“So, why have you come
here, Miss Washu?” Soun asked.
“I have come to speak with
Lord Shaitze. And please call me Little
Washu.”
Soun felt awkward but
conceited to Washu’s request. “Very
well, Little Washu. But why must you
speak with him?”
“I am sorry to tell you
that it is a private matter that I must speak with him about.”
“Hmm, I see.”
Nodoka attempted to make
idle conversation until Kasumi came back with the tea. “For one so young and smart, you certainly
are polite to your elders.”
Washu had to suppress the
urge to laugh her head off. To her, the
Celestials were elders in comparison to this group of charming people. “Why thank you very much, madam. I must compliment you on how well you’ve
raised your daughters. So few are so richly blessed.”
Nodoka blushed. “I am proud of them, but I’m sorry, they
aren’t my daughters.”
“Oh I’m sorry. But I assumed a bit prematurely that you were
the woman of the house, madam.”
“No, that title belongs to
Kasumi. She is the one that went to make
the tea.”
“The tea is ready!” Kasumi happily said as she walked in with a
tray with cups and a teapot.
“That was rather quick,
sis.” Nabiki said with a certain degree
of surprise.
“Well, I always keep some
hot water on the stove for all occasions.
And since Ranma doesn’t need it at the moment, I thought we could use it
for tea.” Kasumi began to distribute the
tea as Genma-panda hit himself in the head.
“Why Mister Saotome, why did you just do that to yourself?”
~I just realized that I
should have changed back into my human form before you made the tea.~
“Oh that’s quite all right
Mister Saotome. I put another kettle on
the stove.”
Washu eyed Genma-panda as
she sipped her tea. “Delicious. You and Sasami should trade notes.”
“Who is Sasami, Little
Washu?”
“She’s one of the Jurian
princesses that I live with. And she’s a
phenomenal cook.”
“We’re back!” Akane
shouted from the front door. Shaitze and
Ranma followed her to the dining room where the others were waiting. “Look who I found outside the gate!” Akane thrust forward a small, black piglet
that was wearing a yellow, with black spots bandanna. “He was shivering in a mud puddle. Weren’t you, my widdle P-Chan?” Akane then hugged P-Chan tight to her chest.
Shaitze noticed Washu
sitting at the table. “{Little
Washu? I was going to come to
Washu stood up and stood
in front of Shaitze. “{Yes it is, Lord
Shaitze. Jusenkyo effects even Sasami.}”
Shaitze grimaced. “{Cursed Spring of Drowned, Delusional,
Magical, Sayruun Princess wasn’t it?}”
“{I myself almost fell
into the Cursed Spring of Drowned, Overzealous, and Magical Bimbo. Not to mention Cursed Spring of Drowned,
Magical, Blue Chimera.}”
Soun interrupted. “Aren’t you going to say anything to her
Shaitze?”
Shaitze and Washu looked
at Soun and smirked. They both looked
back at each other. “{If only he
knew.}” “Little Washu it’s so good to
see you again.”
“It’s nice to see you
again as well. I have news for you.”
Shaitze’s eyes grew
wide. “What sort of news do you
have? It isn’t bad is it? I’ve had a good day, and I don’t want to hear
any bad news. Now, what kind of news do
you have?”
“Well, to be perfectly
frank, it’s bad.”
“I knew it! I knew it was bad news! Wait a minute, maybe if you tell me the bad
news in a good way, it won’t sound so bad.”
“{Aren’t you over doing it
a little?}” Washu’s smirk turned into a
smile. “I’ll have to show you at my
laboratory.”
Shaitze’s expression lightened
as he stroke his chin with his thumb and index
fingers. “{Yeah, I’m overdoing it, but
this fanfic does need its dramatic moments.}
Hmm, that can only mean one thing you know.”
Washu closed her eyes and
made a cute expression on her face. “I sure
do. Road trip!”
Shaitze turned to face
Ranma. “Hey Ranma, are you in the mood
for a training trip?”
Ranma brightened up. “You betcha! When do we leave?”
~Are you going to take
Akane with you Boy?~
“Yes, that’s a great
idea! Take your fiancé with you so she
can spar with you!” Soun interjected which had the effect of extinguishing
Ranma’s enthusiasm.
Akane was uncertain. “Um, okay.”
She then looked down at P-Chan.
“Would P-Can like to go on a Widdle twip?”
Shaitze rubbed the temples
of his head. “{Is there any way that you
could make her stop that Washu? It’s
making me nauseous.}”
“Bwee! Bwee!”
Akane smiled. “That settles it, we’re going!”
Ranma felt like his life
was about to end. “{Oh
no. If she goes, then I’ll have
to eat her cooking! I’m doomed!}”
Shaitze saw Ranma’s
expression of doom. Shaitze then looked
back at Washu. “{Hey, what’s with him
Washu?}”
Washu arched her
eyebrow. “{I take it that you have not
grown much. If that’s the case, then you
really do need a few more lessons from me.}”
This puzzled Shaitze. “{What does that have to do with it?}”
“{Simply put, if you had
grown to where you need to be, you would have no trouble ascertaining Ranma’s
problem. But don’t worry. I’ll go easy on you.}”
“{Thanks.} Well, I guess that we need to go pack a few
things for a few days, don’t we?”
“It might help. I’ll wait for you here.” Washu said as she sat down at the table and
began to sip more tea.
The trio ran upstairs
rather quickly. It was at the top of the
stairs that Akane stopped to ask Shaitze a question as Ranma went to pack his
backpack. “Shaitze, where is her
laboratory anyway?”
“In
“Oh, I see. I was just wondering.”
“Don’t worry about
it.” Shaitze then turned his attention
to P-Chan. “{Where have I seen that
bandana before?} And as for you Bub,”
Shaitze grew a frown and pointed his index finger at P-Chan’s nose. “You had better be potty-trained. Washu hates messes in her lab! If you have to go, go to the bathroom! Even Ryo-Ohki knows how to use the toilet!” Shaitze’s voice became lower and more
venomous which had the effect of making P-Chan start to shiver in Akane‘s
grasp. “Do you think that you’ve got
that, you nauseating animal that only has a future as a pork chop or as a
football?” P-Chan tried to run away, but
Akane’s hold was too great. Shaitze’s
demeanor rapidly became more pleasant towards Akane. “Don’t forget his leash.” With that, Shaitze went to the room that he
was sharing with Ranma.
Akane’s eye’s
crossed. “Why is my blouse wet?” Akane looked down and found that the wet area
was yellow and warm. She also noticed
that P-Chan had also stopped shivering as realization finally set in. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
*****
Ranma and Shaitze were
starting to pack for their trip when they heard Akane yell. Both looked up and wondered if they should go
check on her. Both quickly dismissed the
idea and resumed packing. Ranma was, as
usual packing everything he owned into his mammoth-sized backpack. Shaitze, however, was packing his things into
a black Medium-sized Jan Sport backpack.
Ranma noticed this. “Is that all
you’re taking?”
“No.” Shaitze replied as
he picked up one of the two, black cases he had brought along with him. The leather case was four feet long and had
to weigh at least two hundred pounds according to Ranma’s estimation. Shaitze picked the case up without a second
thought and started heading for the door with his backpack on his
shoulder. Shaitze turned to his
cousin. “You ready to go yet, Ranma?”
“Yup.” Ranma stood
up, threw his backpack on his shoulders and followed Shaitze downstairs.
As Shaitze and Ranma
descended the staircase, Shaitze asked Ranma a question. “Hey Ranma, is it me or is there something
familiar about Akane’s pig?”
Ranma almost totally
stopped dead in his tracks, but somehow managed to walk forward. “Um, what do you mean?”
“That bandana he has
around his neck, I’ve seen it somewhere before.
I think I’ve also seen his beady little eyes before, too. I just can’t seem to place it.”
Ranma put his hand behind
his head and nervously chuckled. “Well,
I wouldn’t worry about it. Say, wacha
got in the case?”
Shaitze could tell that
Ranma was hiding something, just by the amount of nervousness in Ranma‘s
voice. Shaitze, however, decided that
now was not the time or place to inquire further into that subject, and decided
to answer Ranma‘s question. “I cannot
show you now, it shall be revealed at the proper time.”
“Oh, I see.” Ranma said as
both he and Shaitze entered the dining room area and set their things down to
wait for Akane. “Hey Shaitze, do you
think Kodachi will get out of the ropes we tied her up with?”
“Eventually,
yes. But she has to wake up first Ranma. Or some poor schmuck can do it for her.”
*****
Kodachi Kuno opened her
eyes only to see a dimly lit landscape that only had an occasional tree. “It needs some other plant life. Something a tad more lively. Perhaps some Venus Fly Traps.” Kodachi tried to move forward, only to
discover that she couldn’t move anything other than her head. She looked at all of her limbs only to find
they, as well her torso, were all tied in triple loop knots to the tree. What compounded Kodachi’s frustration was
that none of her limbs were tied to the same branch or root. “The demon that takes my beloved Ranma-Sama’s
form is indeed a smart devil. He shall
pay as soon as I break my bonds of imprisonment.” Kodachi struggled against the ropes only to
cause them to tighten further. Kodachi
stopped struggling after a while and prepared to employ the only other action
for escape. “HELP ME!”
*****
Shaitze sipped some
tea. “Anyway, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Ranma wasn’t so
optimistic. “I hope so.” Ranma then looked at a clock on the
wall. “Geez, what the heck is taking her
so long?”
“Don’t worry,
she’s probably packing her makeup kit or something.”
“Makeup? That tomboy don’t ever put on makeup, that’s one of the
reasons she is so uncute.”
“Ranma.” Nodoka spoke
in a very warning tone.
“Um,
sorry mom.”
“Ranma, you have no right
to insult Akane at the moment.” Shaitze
added firmly.
This puzzled Washu. “Why’s that?”
“Because
she’s not here to pound his head in.”
Shaitze sipped some more of his tea.
“Delicious, Kasumi.”
Kasumi blushed. “Why thank You, Shaitze.”
Ranma became
irritated. “Just whose side are ya on
here? Yer my cousin,
not hers!”
Shaitze kept a neutral face. “Neither.
But it isn’t fair to talk about a person when that person isn’t present
to justify his or her side of an argument.
It’s like trying to do the Time Warp without a jump to the left. It just isn’t kosher.”
Ranma wasn’t quite sure
what kind of metaphor Shaitze had just used, but he settled down anyway.
Kasumi stared thoughtfully
at Shaitze. “Oh My. Isn’t the next move a step to the right?”
Shaitze arched his
eyebrow. “Then put you hands on your
hips.”
Kasumi continued. “And bend your knees in tight.”
Washu spoke up. “But it’s the Pelvic Thrusts that really
drive you insane.”
“What are you people doing?” Akane yelled as she entered the room with her
large backpack on her shoulders and P-Chan in her arms.
“Nothing.” Was uttered by everyone at the
table.
“Well then, we’d best be
off.” Washu said as everyone at the
table rose to their feet. Ranma and
Shaitze gathered the possessions they were taking on the trip and walked with Akane
and Washu to the grassy area off to the side of the pond.
“Be sure to be on your
best behavior Ranma.”
“Aw,
Mom.”
“You can still have fun,
just be good.”
“Okay.” Ranma
relented. “Hey Shaitze, how are we going
to get to this lab in
“Watch and be amazed mere
mortals!” Washu shouted and then summoned her ethereal keyboard. After a few clicks, a door appeared. The door was a typical sliding door. The only thing that was unusual about the
door was that it was standing with nothing to support it. Washu walked over to the door and opened
it. She ushered the other three
travelers through the door and closed the door behind them. Behind the door, the travelers found
themselves in a short corridor that had another door at the other end of the
corridor. Washu slid open the door only
to reveal a smaller door. Washu slid
that door open only to reveal a door that was half as tall as the previous
door. “That’s strange. I thought I disabled that program before I
left. And I’m 20,000 years old, so I
can’t be going senile.”
Ranma and Akane were
shocked at Washu’s revelation. “20,000
years old?”
“Yeah, so what’s the
problem?”
“Why ain’t ya only two
feet high?” Ranma asked through his shock.
Washu chuckled at Ranma as
she again summoned her ethereal keyboard.
After another series of quick clicks, both of the extra doors
disappeared and revealed Washu’s laboratory.
As the travelers finally beheld the Great Washu’s Laboratory, they
reacted with awe. “AWW.” No, I said awe: A-W-E. “OHH.” That’s better.
Electricity crackled. Lights flashed in odd patterns. Chemicals boiled in their beakers. Animals raced in their cages. Coffee brewed in its industrial strength
espresso machine. All was for the pursuit
of scientific discovery. Washu would
learn the secrets of anything in the universe that she didn’t already
know. “So, wacha think of my lab?”
Ranma and Akane could only
stare in wonder at the marvels that they beheld. Shaitze, on the other hand, asked a
question. “May I please have a mocha
latte with extra cinnamon sprinkles?” Ranma and Akane face-faulted.
Akane recovered first and
yelled in Shaitze’s face. “How can you
possibly think of food right now? You
just ate!”
“Well, it’s not food. Secondly, Washu makes them good. Finally, I didn’t get any after dinner
coffee.”
Ranma finally
recovered. “Kasumi don’t ever serve
coffee. It just ain’t her way. She only serves green tea and stuff.”
Shaitze’s eyes
widened. “Mien Gott!”
“Do you want any nutmeg
sprinkles?” Washu asked from the espresso machine.
“No thank you.”
The trio from the Tendo
Dojo set their bags down and Washu handed Shaitze a cup of coffee as she made
her way over to a machine panel that was attached to a large screen. Washu pressed a button and the screen began
showing DNA and advanced chemical patterns.
Shaitze, Ranma and Akane gathered behind Washu. She immediately began her lecture for the
trio. “From what I’ve been able to
tell,” Washu pointed at a particular DNA strand, “Jusenkyo Curses act as a form
of virus. But what makes them so odd is
that they act on the subatomic level.
The curses immediately bind themselves to a victim’s DNA causing the
obvious physical changes. But over time,
the victim’s DNA will start to be almost completely re-written thus causing the
victim to partially act in a manner that is associated with one’s cursed
counterpart. The curse’s DNA code also
activates certain genetic codes that enable the victim to have a sort of magnetic
attraction for di-hydrogen oxide. The
curses also act on an astral level. So
whatever appearance you acquire from the curse, is like an astral projection of
yourself as that creature or person. It
is entirely possible that if untreated, the effects could be irreversible.”
While Ranma, Akane, and
P-Chan stared blankly at the screen, Shaitze spoke up. “That explains why Ranma and I look alike in
our cursed forms. How much time does
that leave us to obtain a cure?”
Washu looked down and lowered
her voice. “I’m not quite sure. Sasami might be able to be cured for an
indefinite amount of time. You, Shaitze,
are another subject.”
Shaitze frowned. “What do you mean Little Washu?”
Washu looked Shaitze in
the eyes. “I don’t know if you can be
cured. Your DNA seems to have been
re-written faster than Sasami’s was. Not only that, but there could be dangerous repercussions to you if
you can be cured.”
Ranma interrupted. “Hey what about me?”
Washu looked at
Ranma. “I can’t say just yet. I need a sample of your DNA to determine
that.”
“What kind of
repercussions would I face, Little Washu?”
Sadness grew in Washu’s
eyes. “I won’t lie to you Shaitze. There’s a strong possibility that you could
lose your power. It may even kill
you.” Shaitze’s eyes grew wide. “I’m sorry, but it is a distinct
possibility.” Washu pointed at the DNA
strands again. “The curse is filling in
certain codes that are attached to your astral and life patterns. If you were to cure yourself, it will rip
your soul apart. I’m terribly sorry.”
“That would really suck
little Washu. What about Ranma? Can he be cured?”
Washu materialized a
syringe and faced Ranma. “I won’t know
until I test his DNA.” Washu pointed
over Ranma’s shoulder. “Isn’t that
Halley’s Comet?” Ranma, Akane and P-Chan
turned to where Washu was pointing.
Washu sunk the syringe into Ranma’s arm, hitting a vein.
Ranma and Akane turned
back around a second later. “Hey! That hurt!”
Washu simply smiled and withdrew Ranma’s blood.
Shaitze smirked. “Sucker.” Akane giggled.
“Oh
sure! Kick me while I’m down!” Ranma yelled as Washu pulled the syringe out
of his arm and put a band-aide over the spot where the needle was.
“There. That wasn’t so bad. Was it?”
“Yes!”
“It could have been worse
Ranma. She could have strapped you to a
table and then given you bionic body part replacements.”
Ranma frowned at his
cousin. “Is that bad?” Akane face-faulted, as
Washu and Shaitze grew sweatdrops.
P-Chan was unfortunately under Akane when she facefaulted.
“It really depends on your
point of view, Ranma. It may add to
one’s strength, but it will slow a person down.” Shaitze answered.
“Then forget it
then.” Ranma closed his eyes and crossed
his arms in defiance.
“Miss Washu?” Rang a voice from the lab.
Washu recognized it
immediately. “I’m by the Espresso
Machine Kiyone!”
Shaitze arched an eyebrow
at Washu. “Another
girlfriend of Tenchi’s?”
“Not
exactly. She’s Mihoshi’s partner.”
Sadness and depression
crept onto Shaitze’s face. “I feel so
sorry for her, and I don’t even know her.”
“Shouldn’t everybody?”
At that point an
attractive girl with dark green hair and a red headband across her forehead
came into view. She appeared to be about
twenty Earth years old, wearing a white sweater and skirt set, navy blue
leggings, and bore an irritated look on her face. She walked over to the group and appeared to
get angrier with each step. “Miss Washu,
have you seen Mihoshi anywhere?”
“No. I just got back from Nerima Kiyone.”
“Well if you do, please
detain her for me. She fled in here to
avoid my righteous wrath once again.”
Kiyone hit the palm of her hand with her clenched fist. “She will die for destroying my Frank Sinatra
CD.”
Shaitze was
surprised. “You listen to Frank
Sinatra?”
Kiyone almost started to
cry. “Yes. And she destroyed the CD that had my favorite
song on it too.”
“And that is?”
Kiyone held her face in
her hands and started to cry. “Fly me to
the Moon.”
Shaitze did what came
naturally to him: he hugged Kiyone and patted her back. “I know how you feel; she vaporized my
favorite Jeff Foxworthy CD the last time I was here. Then she starched my boxer shorts.” Shaitze shuttered at that horrid memory. Ranma and P-Chan winced in sympathy.
Kiyone stopped crying and
stepped out of Shaitze’s embrace. “Thank
you. I needed that.”
“I know you did.” Kiyone smiled sheepishly. “It’s amazing that you aren’t a chain
smoker.”
“Isn’t it though?” Kiyone suddenly frowned. “How did you know that? I’ve never met you before.”
“Smoke clings to clothes
and one’s hair until you wash it out, and non-smokers can smell it very
easily. All I could smell was
strawberries in your hair.” Kiyone
blushed and looked down. “And don’t
worry about the CD. If I see Mihoshi,
I’ll make sure to leave a slug in her keester.”
Kiyone seemed to brighten at that suggestion.
Ranma was a bit
confused. “Ain’t ya supposed to pour
salt on those things?”
Akane blinked. “I think so.”
Shaitze and Kiyone shook
their heads as they both pondered the extent of the duo’s vocabulary. Washu spoke for the two. “He didn’t refer to that form of slug.”
“Miss Washu? Where are you?”
Kiyone froze, then grew a wild-eyed expression as she pulled out her
blaster from the holster behind her right hip.
“Mihoshi, PREPARE TO DIE!” Kiyone
raced off in the direction that she heard Mihoshi’s voice come from.
“Oh
Kiyone! I was just on my way to find you, because I
don’t know how your favorite CD wound up in the microwave, and I know it
was...Kiyone? Why are you trembling like
that? Why are you glowing?” Mihoshi’s usual cheery voice now held
fear. “Could you please put your gun
away? You’re scaring me Kiyone.”
*BANG*
“You have the right to die
slowly Mihoshi. Anything you say will
not save your sorry keester from my divine retribution. You have the right to scream in agony as I
torture you and make you confess to every crime that you have ever committed
against me. You have the right...”
Mihoshi decided to flee as Kiyone followed her in fresh pursuit.
Shaitze twirled a pair of
handcuffs on his index finger. “Those
two are certainly entertaining. I wonder
what would happen if Kiyone actually did kill Mihoshi?”
Akane frowned. “Wouldn’t that make her a wanted felon?”
Washu answered. “I’m not sure. It’s kinda like asking what would happen if
the coyote actually got the roadrunner.
Kiyone’s superiors would praise her, but Mihoshi’s grandfather is the
Grand Marshal of the Galaxy Police. So
she might make the most wanted list.”
Shaitze smirked. “Yet another damned if ya do, damned if ya
don’t situations.”
“Exactly
Shaitze. Say, where did you get those cuffs from?”
“I just happen to have
acquired them when I hugged Kiyone. I’m
surprised that she hasn’t noticed that they’re missing.”
“She probably has Shaitze,
and is probably blaming Mihoshi for it.”
“Does Kiyone use heavy
artillery?”
“Not really. The most I’ve ever seen her use on Mihoshi is
the Stark Enterprise Proton Canon.”
Akane had actually seen a
Stark Enterprise Proton Canon when an impromptu fight erupted near her favorite
mall between a green haired succubus and a shinny gray robot. “Did she actually hurt Mihoshi?”
“No, but she did clear a great
deal of forestry that Lord Katsuhito was going to clear for a pool and hot
tub.”
Shaitze arched his
eyebrow. “What in the universe for? You guys already have the Onsen.”
“You got me. Maybe he’s just playing with our minds.”
“Little Washu?”
Washu visibly brightened
as she heard the voice of her favorite guinea pig. “I’m by the espresso machine Tenchi!”
“Oh
there you, Little Washu. I thought something was wrong when your door
was locked all day, but I see there’s nothing to worry about.”
“Tenchi” Shaitze and
Tenchi shook each other’s hand.
“Shaitze, how are you
doing? Find a cure yet?”
“Nope. No cure
yet. But the curse does have its
advantages.”
Ranma was now
curious. “Oh yeah,
like what?”
“Blowing guys minds when they
see you do something only they’re supposed to do. No cover charge when you go to a bar. Although I still hate
Titanic. This curse will never,
ever change that.” Shaitze momentarily
paused. “Oh, before I forget, this is my
cousin Ranma Saotome and one of his fiancés, Akane Tendo. Ranma, Akane this is Tenchi Masaki.” All three shook hands.
“So, have you been reading
the books Grandpa gave you?”
“Indeed I have. What puzzles me is why he sends me a new book
every 2 weeks. I’ve sent everyone that
I’ve read back, but why did he send me books about Jurai?”
Tenchi scratched his head
in confusion. “I don’t know. I’ve had to read those
books myself lately. Maybe it’s
his idea of training.”
Ranma was confused. “How does reading about some religion help
train a person?”
Akane frowned. “I’ve never heard of Jurai. Is it a branch of some other religion?”
“{Should we tell them
Washu?}”
“{Only if you think it
will help.}”
Shaitze and Tenchi gave a
quick prayer before Shaitze began to explain the Masaki way of life. “Okay, first off, everyone here is either an
alien or is part alien.” Akane and Ranma
were unaffected. “Tenchi is actually the
crown prince of the planet Jurai.”
Akane’s eyes narrowed when she heard the word ‘prince.’ “And Tenchi has a few women living under his
roof that are all trying to become his wife.”
Akane was suppressing the urge to pull out her trusty dimensional mallet
and punish ‘Prince Casanova.’
Ranma winced. “I know how ya feel.”
Akane turned her dark
expression toward Ranma. “And just
what’s that supposed to mean?”
“{Danger Will Robinson! Danger!}”
Washu smirked as she
changed the subject. “Why don’t I show
you all to your separate room?”
“Okay. Hey, what time do you get up Shaitze?”
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Sparring. I usually get
up at
“0600? Do you know what the ‘O’ is for?” Ranma shook his head. “Oh my god, that’s early! But, I’ll get up anyway. It should give us enough time catch some fish
for breakfast. In the meantime, let’s
get some sleep. Miss Washu, if you would
please show us the way.” Washu nodded as
Ranma, Shaitze, and Akane picked up their equipment. “See ya in the morning Tenchi.”
“Have a pleasant night’s
sleep.” Tenchi disappeared through a door
that vanished after he went through it.
“This
way people.” Washu led them to another part of her lab,
and instantly materialized three doors.
“Here we are. Three
five-star suites. Complete with
wet bars and refrigerators. All rooms
are soundproof and indestructible according to Universal Standards. The televisions are equipped with all
97,343,782,013 Universal Cable channels, including Mojovision. Or if you prefer Earth television-”
“I don’t think we’ll need
to worry about the television settings Washu.”
“Okay. If you say so. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate
to scream. I mean, ask the
computer. Good night.” Washu then walked over to another door and
went in.
“Well,
good night y’all.” Ranma said as
went into his room, and closed the door.
“Hey, I wasn’t through
with him yet!” Akane tried to open the
door to Ranma’s suite but the door would not move.
“What do you mean?” Shaitze asked in a cool tone of voice.
“I was gonna chew him out
for sympathizing with that ‘Prince!’”
“Let me ask you
something. How would you feel if you
were thrust into royal ranking and pursued by a great deal of odd guys that
start fights with one other to prove to you who is the best and most worthy to
become your spouse. And the whole time,
all you want to do is finish school and date a guy that’s down to Earth.”
Akane felt a little guilty
and absent-mindedly dropped P-Chan. “My
life is kinda like that actually. I’m
always being fought over, and every time Ranma never fails to win me back. Princes have been at the top of my hit list
ever since Prince Kirin of the Seven Lucky Gods Martial Artists kidnapped
me. But what really gets
me mad is all the girls that Ranma is engaged to. He almost looks like he’s enjoying the
attention he constantly gets from them!
I mean, he won’t break off any of them.”
“It could be that he’s
afraid he might hurt their feelings.
Ranma may be fought over, but like a true martial artist, will not
intentionally let a person come to harm.
The truth is a very sharp weapon, Akane.
When you get right down to the basic human soul, we all have fragile
emotions that govern our very being. I
see both your side and Ranma’s side to this predicament. Ranma is not a player, Akane. Initiative does go a long way, but Ranma
obviously hasn’t used his. He could have
if he wanted, but he won’t. He’s just
cursed to have too much attention.
Tenchi has the same affliction.
Tenchi I know finds the constant fighting annoying and
counter-productive. Are you sure that’s
not how Ranma feels? For that matter,
how do you truly feel? And does Ranma
know? You said that Ranma ‘almost’ looks
like he’s enjoying all the attention he gets.
What makes you doubt that Ranma is in
Akane was furiously
blushing by this point, but still managed to create a smile. “Um, thank you Shaitze. I’ll think about what you said.”
Shaitze smiled. “You’re welcome. Just remember that nobody’s perfect, except
Spiritual Deities and no mortal needs that much
grief.”
Akane giggled. “I guess not.
Good night.”
“Good night Akane.”
Akane went through the
door to her suite and closed the door.
She had a lot to think about for a while.
Shaitze went into his
suite and set his backpack and large black case on the bed. Shaitze opened the 4’ case to reveal a
brightly polished Yangasawa B-990 Baritone Saxophone. He quickly assembled the sax and began to
play the Blues. He didn’t play any tune
in particular, just he what felt was right.
Helping other people with problems usually put him in the right frame of
mind to play the Blues. It was always
depressing work, but at least Shaitze had a creative way to express his
thoughts on the matters at hand.
*****
Back in
Nerima...
“How dare that foul demon
restrain me as though he was a member of the Spanish Inquisition! He is as lowly as the harridans that surround
my beloved Ranma-Sama! I demand divine retribution from that demon! None shall take my beloved Ranma-Sama’s form
and-”
“Will you please calm
down?” Said an annoyed voice that came from Kodachi’s left.
Kodachi turned her head
and recognized the figure that spoke. It
was a boy with long black hair that was wearing white Chinese robes and a pair
of thick glasses. “I know you. You’re the one that acts as a shadow for that
foul temptress Shampoo. Mousse, are you
not?”
Mousse drew a knife from
inside his robe and proceeded to cut Kodachi loose from her confining
ropes. “That is correct. Be thankful that I am the one that is
releasing you. Shampoo was considering
coming to eliminate the source of her present ‘sleeping disorder.’”
Kodachi fell limply into
Mousse’s arms. She then attempted to
move her arms but failed miserably. “My
arms won’t move.”
Mousse picked Kodachi up
and cradled her in his arms. He then
started walking towards the
Mousse wished that he were
carrying Shampoo into a honeymoon suite.
One where he and she could... Mousse’s thoughts stopped there. Mousse truly had no idea what happened in a
honeymoon suite. In the Amazon village,
only women are allowed to have an education that went beyond simple language
skills, mathematics, and extra languages for occasional trade and commerce. Local history and martial arts are taught,
but subjects like Biology, Chemistry, and physical sciences are only taught to
the women of the village. Men are taught
household management and remain ignorant.
Mousse was no exception to that rule.
In the fact, the only “kiss” he had ever seen or heard of was the Kiss
of Death.
Mousse finally stopped in
front of the
Mousse wanted only one
thing in the entire world: Shampoo.
Something that he knew the Kuno Estate could never acquire. “Nothing. Thank
you.” He then turned to leave.
Mousse had only taken two
steps when Kodachi spoke. “Please
wait.” Mousse turned around. “My honor demands that I at the very least
reward you in some fashion. Would you
care to dine with me this coming Sunday in my beloved mansion? Our chef can prepare any dish to your heart’s
content.” Kodachi then gave Mousse a
bashful look.
Mousse thought for a
moment. Would he work overtime for a
bowl of noodles or would he enjoy a four-course dinner? Would he listen to the ‘dried up mackerel
jerky’ state over and over that he was not worthy to lick Shampoo’s boots or
would he listen to the polite and possibly intelligent musings of Kodachi Kuno,
the Black Rose? “Yes, I believe I shall
join you for lunch Sunday.”
Kodachi smiled. “Very well, be here at the front gate at
*****
Back in
Shaitze stopped playing
his Sax and walked over to the wet bar and made himself a simple drink. Crown Royal and Pepsi. The best part was that he didn’t have to
fight with anyone over who would be getting the purple bag. After one long sip, Shaitze set the glass
down and resumed playing his Sax. For
twenty minutes, he played focusing on nothing but his own feelings and the need
to express them. When he finally
stopped, Shaitze was rewarded by the applause of a single person. Shaitze immediately recognized the
green-haired girl as Kiyone.
“I’m sorry if I’m
disturbing you, but I was looking for Mihoshi, and the door was unlocked.”